I Know What You are Thinking
by Krystal Burns
“You know me when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.” Psalm 139:2-4
I don’t know about you, but it is hard for me to comprehend that God knows my inner thoughts. He knows what I am going to say before the words ever even leave my lips. I have heard many teachings about God knowing our inner thoughts but still desiring for us to tell Him what we are thinking and feeling. And I know that we were created to have relationship with Him making it very important for us to communicate with Him just as we do with any human that we are in relationship with. But still, sometimes these things, even the things that seem simple, boggle my mind. As I try to grasp this concept I begin to wonder, if God knows everything I am thinking and feeling why do I sometimes find myself feeling like He is no where to be found?
The psalmist goes on to say, “Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”
Do you see what I see? He is there – always! He is there if we are flying high or even if we are drowning in a sea somewhere. In the darkness He is light. Even when we don’t think He is there, He is! AND, He knows what we are thinking! So, it would make life SO much simpler if we would just tell Him how we feel. By communicating with God especially in our trials, we are actively pursuing Him, actively SEEKING Him. Yes, God is always there, but sometimes He wants us to seek Him more fervently than other times. The word says in Psalm 27, “You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, Lord, I do seek.’” He tells us to seek His face and to that we MUST respond!
Did you know that when you don’t seek the Lord and when you don’t tell Him your thoughts and feelings you are actually putting up a wall? And the longer you go without telling Him your thoughts and feelings (even though He already knows!) the bigger the wall gets. But, the good news is that the wall is very easy to tear down. All it takes is seeking Him and telling Him what you are feeling.
Unfortunately, I learned this lesson the hard way. When I was 7 months pregnant with our first son, I got a call that I never in a million years thought I would receive. It was a friend from Albuquerque and I could tell from the sound in his voice that something was not good. He was calling to tell my husband and me that our best friend’s little boy had been killed in a car accident. Jake would have turned 2 just 14 days later. You have to understand that these friends were the kind of friends that only come along once in a lifetime. They taught us so much in such a short amount of time. To this day we will tell you that their children, Jake and Drew, are the reason we started a family. We practically lived with this couple and their kids. We loved being around their family. They even joked around and nicknamed me “the nanny”. I loved every minute of it.
So, you see this was a big blow to me. Not only was I grieved to lose Jake, but I also immediately became gripped with fear for the child that was in my own womb. I mean, if something like this could happen to our friends who were serving God with all of their hearts, then something like this could happen to my child.
Jake died on August 26, 2001. It wasn’t until mid-December of 2002 that I had a revelation. I was ANGRY at God. That entire year and a half I built myself a nice little wall –actually it was rather big. I tried to talk to God – I prayed for my friends A LOT! But, I also tried to act like I wasn’t angry with God because I knew that as Christians we weren’t supposed to be angry at God. He was too good to be angry at. All the while, I am wondering, “God where are you? Why aren’t you talking to me? Why can I not get anything when I read your word anymore? Why can I not enter into worship like I used to?” The “why’s” were endless. The answer? I had built a huge wall. You see, God knew the whole time that I was angry at Him for taking Jake. God knew that I was allowing Satan to torment me and grip me with fear even though I have full authority over him. All God wanted was for me to tell Him. When I realized that this was the wall between me and God and the reason that I felt like He was so far away, I decided to go ahead and tell Him EXACTLY how I felt about the situation. I gotta tell you, it really took a load off. That instant the wall began to come down. For the first time in over a year I heard the Lord very clearly. He said to me, “Krystal, get ready to get your joy back.” I had been in such a pit for so long that I had no joy. I had the appearance that all was well, but I was dying on the inside.
The next week, I was sitting in a church service and the message was on none other than J-O-Y! That night not only did God restore my joy, but He replaced the fear that I was so gripped with and gave me peace instead. As hard as that situation was, God has used it to do some really great things.
Friends, God knows what you are thinking and He IS there! You only have to communicate with Him – seek Him and you WILL find Him. He is there with you in the deep ocean you may be drowning in. He is also with you when you are flying high and life is great – He still wants you to talk to Him in those times too by the way!
Recently, I listened to the testimony of my friend who lost her little boy 7 years ago this August. Right after Jake passed away a mentor in her life wrote her a letter and said, “I wish I could give you a magic formula to tell you the steps to take to grieve, but I can’t. But what I can give you is Jesus, and He is enough.” Wow, in our hard times Jesus is enough. In our good times, Jesus is enough. He’s enough. He knows what we are thinking and He is there! The end of Psalm 139 says “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” I leave you with Psalm 139 in its entirety. Click here to read.
Posted 9/18/08
Covering
by Morgan Burum
I’m sitting in my Nana’s basement in a rocking chair that I’m almost sure my dad was rocked in when he was born. My heel is sore from stepping on roller pins. My bed is next to me consisting of a quilt, a comforter, a pillowcase-less pillow, and a couch Nana bought as a bargain at a garage sale. There are 3 couches, 6 chairs, 2 TV’s (one of them hasn’t worked for years). There is 1 deep freezer, many toys, and tons of my clothes on a chair acting as my closet. I have to keep reminding myself, it is only temporary. After a series of temporary living spaces, most with cramped quarters, roommates, and strange landlords, I’ve found myself in places I didn’t intend to be. Everything changed when I moved out and became independent. At a time in my life when I needed security most, I felt lost. I hoped as I moved from place to place, that a feeling of safety would appear, but it never seemed to be quite what I needed. So I started looking for something else to help me in this season. “Whenever I get married,” I thought, “my comfort and security will be found in my husband.” But the Lord changed my perspective once again.
My mind has been on this subject a lot lately. It all comes down to a word found in scripture. Covering. So here is the predicament I find myself in. I left my family and a few friends 3 years ago for what God called me to. My family is still very much in my life but things are different than they were in High School. So I’ve left that phase of my life, but I have yet to enter the next. As I search the scriptures for God’s divine opinion in this, He speaks of your husband as being the next covering for you. Your husband is to live as your authority, to give love and security. But the Lord has not brought me into that part of life yet. So what do I do with this time? I feel like I’ve come out from under one umbrella, and I haven’t found the next one yet. I have struggled with the assumption that God has forgotten me in my current limbo life. That because there is not a person keeping watch over me, this time is not important. But recently He has shown me a glimpse of His plan in all of this.
Ps 17:8 says, “Keep me as the apple of your eye, hide me in the shadow of your wings.” This is the heart of what the Lord wants us to embrace. In all other seasons, people were the center of my attention. I was served by my family, and I will serve my husband and children one day. But God has us all to Himself in these few years in-between. He knows if He can get us alone, He can show us how we’re supposed to be comforted, how we’re supposed to be loved, how we’re supposed to be protected.
So how do we let this invisible God meet those needs? Become our home and our family while we don’t have one of our own yet? We allow Him to build our house on a firm foundation, and we let Him become our covering. We let Him take care of us and provide for us. Believe Him when he tells us who we are; take His word as truth. Numbers 23:19 says, “God is not a man that he should lie.” His love is not conditional. Everything He says is truth. If we stand on his truth, we will build our house on rock instead of sand.
His covering over us is eternal. Hebrews 1:11 speaks of how we have temporary garments as our covering for right now, but He is not temporary. He does not change. He wants to build our house to last and to meet every need. As I look back on my life at home, I had really great parents. And when I move into marriage- I’m sure I’ll have an amazing husband. But neither of these situations completely fulfills the need in me for unconditional love. The Lord is the only source for that. We find our stability and build our lives on His truth, which comes through His love.
Ps 139:5 says, “He hems us in, behind and before, and lays his hand upon us”. In verse 7 it says, “Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?” David describes His presence as never leaving. Now that I think about it, I don’t think my desire for security and love could be satisfied by anything other than the Spirit.
In John 14 Jesus describes the family we have in Him, “Let not your heart be troubled, Believe in God, believe also in me.” He describes the home this family will share, “In my father’s house there are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you? I go to prepare a place for you.” He describes how He provides for this family. “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am, you may be also.” In verse 6 Jesus shows us what must become our firm foundation. “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
I’m now sitting in my new living room in the center of my new apartment surrounded by the new smell of carpet and paint. I’ve felt all the usual discomforts of getting into a new place, but it doesn’t seem quite as disheartening this time. I feel more at home and at ease with myself than I ever have before. The Lord has spoken to me of who I am and the purpose of this season. I believe Him. I don’t long for a home and comfort from a person like I did before. I see now: He is the way. He is preparing my home. Meanwhile I’ll let Him hem me in, behind and before.
Posted 8/21/08
A Taste of Reality
by Crystal Hahn
Do you ever feel you are so close to having something in your grasp, but then you can’t seem to find the footing to take hold? I have been finding myself in this state often it seems. One day I will feel an overwhelming sense of God and His desires for me, then the next day somehow a whirlwind of “who am I” sets in. My mind races and my heart questions all that surrounds me. I exhaust myself trying to find the answers. I am trapped in a state of comparison. I wish I were more like her; I wish I could do this; I wish I had that. In this thought pattern, I find my mind constantly fighting confusion and distraction. Then, almost simultaneously I find myself slipping in and out of apathy. There is a pull deep inside to be focused, determined, disciplined, content and set on reaching the goals before me. There seems to be something keeping me from it, an invisible wall- or is that wall just me?
Rest. What a crazy idea in a time like this. However, in the middle of my desperate search to understand, I found rest in the fact that I could not conjure up this walk. I could not see the intricate details God is weaving in and through my life. I could not figure it all out! The more I process life with Him, the more I am able to embrace and celebrate what He is doing in me. Sometimes I feel like I should have the answers and that by now in my “Christian walk” I should have it somewhat mastered. I am figuring out that I am at rest most when I accept that I am weak. There is such confidence in this. A confidence that I don’t want to admit because it’s not in me, but once I do, a release takes place and the obvious need for a Savior consumes my soul.
I have had a pattern in my life of not taking in the present moment. I always allow my mind to fantasize of where I will be in five years. Looking at what is next, and never taking in the now. God began a work in me and challenged me to be content with exactly where He has me in life. Even if it doesn’t look like I expected. Joanna Weaver says, “He only stirs us when he wants to change us. He only makes us feel uneasy with where we are so we’re willing to do whatever it takes to get where He is.”
So could God possibly be working in your life today? Do we have to know the next step or can we really live moment-to-moment, as a twenty-something biblical woman being content whether it’s at school, at church, at home, in front of a crowd, or when we are alone? No matter where we are or where we are headed. Today is a beautiful day and it forms the outcome of your tomorrows. Breathe it in and be overtaken by the reality of what can be done in and through your life today!
In the past, I relied on my abilities and strengths to have a sense of direction and purpose. Now, I find freedom in my fears, doubts, and confusions. I am weak and I will fall, but I can fall and land in my loving Father’s arms and find rest. It’s a true rest because I abandon my preconceived ideas and take hold of Jesus who shatters my perceptions and takes me to the other side.
Father, I pray that you would continue to show us that our life is not about a vocation or situation, but that you are working deep in us. You are constantly shaping us to be the women that you desire for us to be. Thank you that you are not finished with us but you walk along side us as we are becoming. Open our eyes God to the reality you have for us. May we not be consumed by the distractions around us, but go after you with all of our hearts. Teach us to live a life as a biblical woman in the 21st century, give us your peace and remind us that we can truly rest in You.
“Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” – From Philippians 4
Posted 7/14/08
Silence
by Meg Schlabs
It has been a couple of weeks now, and I’ve decided to move on from a dark place. It started, in the beginning, as a feeling of nothing. Dead silence. Deep silence. I slipped into an empty place that was familiar and maybe even a little bit comfortable. But still, the void of emotions always scares me. As a woman, feeling is…well…what I do. But I let myself get lost in this vault of emptiness. No drive, no hope, no truth, just darkness. It was as if God zipped His lips and threw away the key. My fears took over to ask questions and make demands. God, where did you go? Why do I feel so empty and unhappy? Unlock your lips and tell me what’s wrong.
After a little while, I no longer felt that I was in darkness, just that I was dark. It’s not that something is wrong, it’s that something is wrong with me. What have I done? Why do I feel estranged from intimacy with my Father? Like a good secretary, I check-marked my mental list of probabilities. Sin? No. Unforgiveness? No. Have I run through too many red lights? Yes. And then, inevitably, the big one – do I even know Jesus anymore? I questioned myself, but came up with no answers. And it didn’t matter; these probably weren’t the right questions anyway. My thoughts grasped for a possible resolution. Just try harder! Push through! Be a hard worker! So, I tried harder. More time was spent with God…in silence. More time spent analyzing and seeking explanation with no results, unless you count my face in a Bible – asleep – at 6:45 in the morning a result. I guess I did get more sleep. But nothing I did really changed my situation. Failed again. I still felt blank.
Finally the truth came, and I remembered. I am dark. I’m not perfect. I’m a sinner! But I have a Savior who isn’t dark. In fact He’s the perfect light. And He can be perfect through me without all the drama of me “trying.” When it comes down to it, whether I feel it or not – God’s good, He’s in control and He loves me. How many times will I need to learn this lesson? Admitting that I’m not in control and also a little self-absorbed is always the first step. And then God can shine light on the truth. After recognizing my fallen state and his supremacy, my mind was set to see what God was doing in me. And something led me to believe that this had to do with that word “love” I kept hearing from His lips.
Do I know the attributes of love? Yes. I learned as a little girl that God is love and love is everything found in 1 Corinthians 13. But did I believe that He was in love with me even when I didn’t feel it? Obviously not or I wouldn’t have felt so bleak. So, what kind of love is He trying to show me? I opened to 1 Corinthians 13 to read the list of love’s characteristics. The first one, “Love is patient” was all I needed.
Jesus, you weren’t fed up with me in week one while I spiraled down to the deep, dark place?
No Meg – I’ve been waiting for you. I love you so much.
No seriously, God. Tell me the truth. I’m pathetic! Did you not see me wallowing in my pillow full of desperate tears?
Meg, I see you. I’m with you always. I love watching you. I’ve been waiting for you.
So, that’s what I’m learning. God’s love in action and this time its patience. In His perfection, He’s been waiting, and probably laughing at me too. He’s not tapping His toe waiting for me to grow. He’s a gentleman. And He’s been gently calling me to sit and wait with Him. But I’ve been too busy to notice, anxiously looking for my next task. I needed to hang one more certificate of achievement to complete my wall of devotion to Jesus. I’ve spent my life feeling guilty whenever I didn’t accomplish perfection. Feeling the need to earn Jesus. His blood was the free gift, right? But His peace, His love, His joy? No, I needed to keep performing for those. Did I think He would be pleased with all my striving? Who taught me that I became invisible to God whenever I stopped working? Whose mark was I trying to meet, anyway? Oh…mine. No wonder I felt so uncomfortable in the darkness; I was trying to move forward without the light. No wonder I felt dead; working without Jesus leaves you without life.
Now, my prayers are, “Lord, I wait on you. Whenever it’s time, lead me where you want me.” It does me good to accept this quality of God’s love and apply it inwardly. Patience is a valuable tool that I have to use. With it, I don’t expect flawlessness from myself. And with it, I don’t move ahead of God. But instead, just waiting on Him, I find myself in the middle of His perfect will. Where, come to find out, I’ve never felt more alive. God’s silent patience was worth it.
Posted 8/28/08
